Have you ever felt alone? Even when there are people sitting right next to you or in the same house. I’m not talking lonely, just feeling alone. I’m not sure how many people have been in the same situation as me, but I’m sure you may have at one point in your life. I mean really alone. In the same room with a lot of people having a great time, yet feel like you’re all alone, as if no one sees you or listens. If you have read my previous blog on my medical conditions then you will know some things about me and that I have Arnold Chiari Malformation. Look at me, well I know you can’t physically see me. I mean take a look at my profile picture. I don’t look sick on the outward appearance or like I have anything wrong from the picture. It’s really annoying some days, because that makes me feel alone. I can honestly say that I feel like crap daily. Each day is just a different level of how bad I feel. Some days I get up and do nothing and I mean nothing, zero. I’m lucky I remember to take my medicine the bazillion things I’m on. Other days I get up and I want to do the dishes or laundry, go walk the dogs or anything I can just to feel useful. Woo, lets go to the mall, go shopping something. Oh boy, for most women, that is an awesome thing. Oh don’t get me wrong. I love to shop. It’s the walking for a long time that I can do without or the sitting or the long day. It’s the whole physical walking, in and out of the car, carrying of bags (if any), wear and tear on my body, it’s very tiring all together for me. I have to save all my energy from the entire week just to go shopping with my kids one afternoon, because I will be home sleep extra and hurt more, be tired and be so worn out the next day or two. It sometimes takes me 2-3 days to recover just from shopping it drives me insane. So I don’t do it most of the time, remember Arnold Chiari Malformation is only one of the many illness, conditions I have.
Trying to accomplish regular tasks at home is forget it. I do what I can, when I can. Overexerting myself is just about everything I do and I pay for it the next few days. Going out for dinner or drinks and then my friends will want to dance, the dancing part (which has been a few years for this), I usually pass on, but I take Tylenol before going because I have to on top of everything else and again I am just sitting or lying in bed for the next 2 days because I am in pain. I am throbbing in pain from my neck down to my feet and head and back of my neck is built up with so much pressure it feels like I was filled up by an air compressor. It’s hard to describe the crazy feeling at times. Why do I do these things? The reason I go, is for one, not to give up on life and the extras to enjoy it and two, to be able to say I can, which in a reality, I don’t and can’t, so who am I kidding.
Why I feel so alone? Why did this happen to me? Some days I wish that everyone could just experience this for a month, not a day, or a week, a month. Then maybe when people look at me they will no longer say, “you look great, nothings wrong, you seem fine to me”, that sentence will change to, “hey, what have you been up to or how’s things?”. Yeah, okay. Maybe I’m dreaming here too, but one day, just maybe one day things will change. I have a few of them that know and understand, but they’re the ones who known me since the beginning of time. They know and understand more than most and even then, they don’t at times. ACM, kicks your ass I have to admit. Wow, did I just say that out loud.
I wish I only felt half as good as I look then at least I could do so much more. I feel useless some days, alone, confined. Other days I feel as if I were given life another chance and something precious like a gift. Useful and useless all in the same breath. It seems crazy, but it’s true.
I don’t have any mental issues, yeah anxiety, who wouldn’t with all the medical problems I have, but that’s it. I’m not depressed or anything like that, although I get asked every doctor visit, ugh, enough with that. I just need to vent thats why I made this blog and I want to get my thoughts and stories about my life out. Maybe it will help someone, somewhere. I’m a strong woman, independent for which my mother taught me to be and I’m grateful to have such a wonderful mother. I have two awesome sisters and a great brother too and for that again I’m truly thankful. My two gorgeous daughters and three pain in the butt dogs (aren’t they all) fill my life with joy and make me part of the woman that I am. A few years ago I married a wonderful, loving man who takes care of me, understands me, and whom I love with all my heart and we’ve become a great family. But having so many illnesses I always will feel so alone like I was hand-picked to endure all this pain and continue my life this way. Alone in the sense that there is no one like me and not alone in the sense that I have no one around me that will totally understand the true sense of what I endure every day.
This is why I know there are many people who feel they are alone in a crowd, but just remember you’re not alone, but you are one. One special person, just like me.