One coffee date.

Friday night, maybe Saturday, oh hell I can’t remember, could have been Thursday having coffee at this point and I’m having a conversation with the guy I’m on a date with. I mean a great conversation, not a hey the weather is crazy kind of conversation either. This is a real down to earth, not looking at everyone else in the room conversation. I am thoroughly impressed by this one, smart, no bad looking, takes care of himself and holds a job. So far so good right? We continue like this for some time and all seems well, then the conversation shifts and he says I’m overcompensating for something in my life? WTF? Really, so now you’re my therapist? Where did this come from? One coffee date and you know me. Just because you went to a therapist and disclose that to me and for what, three years you say, that makes you a professional? He wasn’t going to say it at first and I’m presuming because he didn’t know how I would take it. Me, well I don’t let things bother me, usually ever. I just bottle up my feelings then after some time, I usually cry my eyes out and on someone, it’s usually someone I don’t know over something menial. Got to love that one when it happens. I feel like a complete and utter ass when it does happen though. Mount St. Helens just erupts then; blubbering idiot. Usually I’m good for another year or so, even more. I don’t cry much. I probably should more often, but I don’t. Anyway, he says I’m overcompensating…for what I’m thinking, being short, being treated like shit for most of my marriage of 20 years, having a miscarriage, having brain surgery, a hysterectomy, being picked on all through school? Lol, gee, could be a host of things. I don’t think I overcompensate for anything in particular personally, but I do know that I would never tell someone after a few dates anything negative about them. Of course all this time I’m just thinking these things to myself, but in any case, how long have I know him, oh a minute and a half, and he’s telling me this, boy you’ve got some set. I just said, no I don’t think so. I love myself and who I am. I may have a ton of shit like most people that I have my home, but I am clean, have great and I mean two great daughters who are loving, smart, witty and funny. I have four dogs whom I love and they love me. I have a weird, but working relationship with my ex-husband that is better than our marriage ever was and he says I’m overcompensating, hmmmm? Could be and maybe for the lack of, but mister I had it all and now have nothing in my life because I pushed it all away. Oh and what are and who are you waiting for anyway and thanks for the coffee, then left.

Originally written out of my notes sometime in late 2011 early 2012.

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Alone in a crowd

Have you ever felt alone?  Even when there are people sitting right next to you or in the same house.  I’m not talking lonely, just feeling alone.  I’m not sure how many people have been in the same situation as me, but I’m sure you may have at one point in your life.  I mean really alone.  In the same room with a lot of people having a great time, yet feel like you’re all alone, as if no one sees you or listens.  If you have read my previous blog on my medical conditions then you will know some things about me and that I have Arnold Chiari Malformation.  Look at me, well I know you can’t physically see me.  I mean take a look at my profile picture.  I don’t look sick on the outward appearance or like I have anything wrong from the picture.  It’s really annoying some days, because that makes me feel alone.  I can honestly say that I feel like crap daily.  Each day is just a different level of how bad I feel.  Some days I get up and do nothing and I mean nothing, zero.  I’m lucky I remember to take my medicine the bazillion things I’m on.  Other days I get up and I want to do the dishes or laundry, go walk the dogs or anything I can just to feel useful.  Woo, lets go to the mall, go shopping something.  Oh boy, for most women, that is an awesome thing.  Oh don’t get me wrong.  I love to shop.  It’s the walking for a long time that I can do without or the sitting or the long day.  It’s the whole physical walking, in and out of the car, carrying of bags (if any), wear and tear on my body, it’s very tiring all together for me.  I have to save all my energy from the entire week just to go shopping with my kids one afternoon, because I will be home sleep extra and hurt more, be tired and be so worn out the next day or two.  It sometimes takes me 2-3 days to recover just from shopping it drives me insane.  So I don’t do it most of the time, remember Arnold Chiari Malformation is only one of the many illness, conditions I have.

Trying to accomplish regular tasks at home is forget it.  I do what I can, when I can.    Overexerting myself is just about everything I do and I pay for it the next few days.  Going out for dinner or drinks and then my friends will want to dance, the dancing part (which has been a few years for this), I usually pass on, but I take Tylenol before going because I have to on top of everything else and again I am just sitting or lying in bed for the next 2 days because I am in pain.  I am throbbing in pain from my neck down to my feet and head  and back of my neck is built up with so much pressure it feels like I was filled up by an air compressor.  It’s hard to describe the crazy feeling at times.  Why do I do these things?  The reason I go, is for one, not to give up on life and the extras to enjoy it and two, to be able to say I can, which in a reality, I don’t and can’t, so who am I kidding.

Why I feel so alone?  Why did this happen to me?  Some days I wish that everyone could just experience this for a month, not a day, or a week, a month.  Then maybe when people look at me they will no longer say, “you look great, nothings wrong, you seem fine to me”, that sentence will change to, “hey, what have you been up to or how’s things?”.  Yeah, okay.  Maybe I’m dreaming here too, but one day, just maybe one day things will change.  I have a few of them that know and understand, but they’re the ones who known me since the beginning of time.  They know and understand more than most and even then, they don’t at times.  ACM, kicks your ass I have to admit.  Wow, did I just say that out loud.

I wish I only felt half as good as I look then at least I could do so much more.  I feel useless some days, alone, confined.  Other days I feel as if I were given life another chance and something precious like a gift.  Useful and useless all in the same breath.  It seems crazy, but it’s true.

I don’t have any mental issues, yeah anxiety, who wouldn’t with all the medical problems I have, but that’s it.  I’m not depressed or anything like that, although I get asked every doctor visit, ugh, enough with that.  I just need to vent thats why I made this blog and I want to get my thoughts and stories about my life out.  Maybe it will help someone, somewhere.  I’m a strong woman, independent for which my mother taught me to be and I’m grateful to have such a wonderful mother.  I have two awesome sisters and a great brother too and for that again I’m truly thankful.  My two gorgeous daughters and three pain in the butt dogs (aren’t they all) fill my life with joy and make me part of the woman that I am.  A few years ago I married a wonderful, loving man who takes care of me, understands me, and whom I love with all my heart and we’ve become a great family.  But having so many illnesses I always will feel so alone like I was hand-picked to endure all this pain and continue my life this way.  Alone in the sense that there is no one like me and not alone in the sense that I have no one around me that will totally understand the true sense of what I endure every day.

This is why I know there are many people who feel they are alone in a crowd, but just remember you’re not alone, but you are one.  One special person, just like me.

Surgery

Have you ever had to have surgery?  I mean any type of surgery.  If you have, then you know that there is a lot of preparation that goes into it prior to actually having the surgery done.   I had to have surgery on my hip; my left hip for that matter.

One Sunday, very early in the morning, about 3:00 or 4:00, I woke up in excruciating pain and had no idea why.  It felt like someone was stabbing me with a pitchfork directly in my hip. As if they were standing over top if me in my bed just repeatedly stabbing me, back and forth. Of course no one was there, and the only way i knew this for sure was the fact that i had no holes in my hip and there wasn’t any blood, plus the fact that there wasn’t anyone standing there.  I got out of bed and looked around my room, looked in my bathroom and even called out some hellos to see if someone was there.  Again, there was no one.  Pain, I tell you, just massive pain.  I have no idea where this came from, but all I know is that I wanted it gone and at that very moment.

I took a cool shower, oh heck, I have no idea why, just hoping the pain would leave.  It didn’t disappear, but it lessened ever so slightly.  I took some Tylenol and tried to go back to sleep because it was around 4am.  I woke back up at about 6am and just paced until I could call someone to bring me to the emergency room.  I am not the type to call you at 4am or even 6am to bring me to the ER.  I waited until almost 10am before I started making calls.

Finally after three or four phone calls my one friend said just call your doctor and see what they tell you to do, after all it is Sunday morning now and you will only sit in the ER for hours and be referred to anther doctor anyway.  Umpf!  So true she was.  I called my doctor who was on-call and she told me to go to the ER anyway, because she wanted to to have a cat-scan first.  The staff at her office was on-call and would take at least an hour to get there and the hospital had all the right equipment in place already.

Off I go, well after my friend came and picked me up of course, I wasn’t driving anywhere.  I get the the emergency room and holy crow, I realize I just want to go back home, lmao.  I don’t like going to the hospital, does anyone?  I will cut through all the extra and tell you that a cat-scan and a few x-rays were taken, well besides a hip being all messed up, I have three kidney stones and an enlarged ovary with three cysts on it.  Well, bust my britches!  This is why I dislike doctors and hospitals.  Did I need to know all that?  Am I going to die?   Is my body going to explode from the inside out now, damn new technology.

The ER sends all my records to my primary doctor and gives me whatever for the pain, it made my head spin, but my hip…the pain was just overwhelming, nothing was touching that.

Monday morning, my doctor calls me to tell me the great news, haha, kidney stones, complex cysts on your ovary and there is a bone island on your left hip.  Huh?  A bone island?   Do I have water, houses a palm tree maybe?  What the heck is a bone island?

The referring begins.  First she said, oncologist.  Are you kidding me?  OK, she wants to be sure.  Now I’m scared and holy my whole life flashes I’m scared.  I went through this crap in 04 and 05.  Freaking really!?  I’m just thinking to myself, shut the hell up mind, stop wandering and do what they say you are fine.  She tells me go see your gyn and the oncologist and this week.  I make my appointments and off I go.  I had a hysterectomy in 2004 and we decided to leave in my left ovary for hormonal purposes.  So far well, so good.  I go see my gyn and of course a bunch of testing starts, blood-work, all the bells and whistles.  If you are a woman and you have had any of the testing, I mean look at you in depth testing, you know what I mean when I say, isn’t there another way to not be so invasive.  After a week or so of that, everything was good, cysts disappeared, and that was back to normal.  This happens to me quite often as well as a lot of women so I hear and  my heart goes out to you also.

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(I can’t remember exactly how long after surgery this was taken, less than 10 day, as the sutures were still in, but I barely have any scars. My doctor did a wonderful job.)

Now I am finally at the oncologist and he wants to know why I am there.  I’m looking at him with the wtf in my eyes.  I just say to him, I was referred and smile.  He explains to me that this bone island is an anomaly and it could have been there for many years.  The reason it was found was because of the cat-scan and they came across it by incident.  Hmmm, well ok.  So why did I get referred to him?  Just to be sure he says, I want to send you for a full body bone scan.  This is just getting ridiculous I was thinking to myself.  I have some island vacation resort in my hip, found by mistake but you want to fun a full body test to see if I might have cancer?  Are you covering your own ass or do you see something you don’t want to tell me this early in the game?  Or is it an insurance plug?   Whatever it is, now my head is spinning, because my hip has not hurting, I limp when I walk and I need a peace in my own mind.  Off to get a full scan.  Thank goodness I have insurance at this point.

In the meantime, I was referred to a hip specialist who wouldn’t take me until the gyn cleared me, which was now done.  I get the full body scan and go see the hip specialist the same week.  Lots of tests and MRI and x-rays along with the best exam I have ever had.  Let me just tell you the pain, I hurt more when I was done than I did when arriving, but Dr. Tomlinson was great.  He showed me the results ad went over everything before I left the building.  I have a labral tear in my left hip, there is debris in the joint as well as the iliopsoas muscle being impinged.  My hip was moved forward almost a quarter inch because of this.  We no wonder the pain and limping.  He wants me to go to therapy first and see if this works.  I was in physical therapy for six weeks, no change, just pain.  We opt for surgery.  I have surgery August 15, 2011 and it was amazing.  I was back in therapy the very next day.  On the bike for only two minutes, but the doctor didn’t want my hip to seize.  I went to therapy for eight weeks then another six weeks.  I still limp to this day, but that massive pain is gone.

I am feeling good now, and my hip is still gives me a little pain from time to time, but it’s not an artificial one.  I had to have all the debris removed as the doctor put it, lol.  Hmmm, garbage in the hip, now thats a good one.  It only gives me a problem if I over exert myself or of course if it gets cold and damp out, then its just a stiff achy feeling.  I would never put this pain on my worst enemy, even though I don’t have any, well none that I know of.  It was the worst pain I ever experienced in my life prior to having the surgery, well next to having the brain surgery.

I feel as if its a never ending process in my life.  People who continue to get sick I do feel bad for because I know what they go through all the time.  I feel worse going through the motions rather than the illness at times.  Just keep your head high and your attitude up you will be fine.  Be positive no matter what the situation, be happy and you will be healthy.   Stay away from the negative, it does you no good.

Death of a child

This is also another repost from another blog of mine from March 2013.  Since this time there have been seven more deaths of friend’s children.  It’s heartbreaking to hear and watch friends and family members go through.

Blog below:

Last night was dreary. One of my best girlfriends and I were standing in line at a funeral for a longtime friends child. He was 19. It was unexpected and a horrific day. We stood there, in this line that ran all the way around the building, never ending all night long. We were there for 2 hours and 20 minutes waiting just to get in to pay our respects to the family.

Freezing out; it was brutally cold and windy. There were people of all ages just waiting. Services were six hours long and this line never stopped. It’s was endless. You could hear the chatter all around and the tears coming from everywhere.  He had just graduated high school, was on the football and baseball teams, was on of the top in his class and was friends with everyone.  One girl said that there were people there she saw in school but didn’t know that he was friends with.

Once you were inside the doors which took the an hour plus hours to get to, there was yet another maze to weave through into another room before getting to the second room. It was amazing how many people were there just for him and his family. Death is mysterious and depressing and sad and horrifying.

There are so many feelings that go along with death how do you describe the loss. I lost my dad at 17 and I was a wreck, but to lose your child. I just could not endure such pain. His parents and grand parents stood there for a grueling six hours hugging and crying and smiling with people some of which they didn’t even know. Yet they stood there. How? How does one just do this? I know how, but it’s so hard. My heart was so sad, I felt so much pain for them all.

As we stood in the line a young girl who went to school with him was in front of me and asked out of the blue if I minded if she asked me a question since she was there alone and her mom wasn’t there with her. Of course I told her please ask. She asked me if it would be rude not to kneel at the casket. I replied to her that she didn’t have to to anything she didn’t feel she needed to, as she was there out of respect for her friend and his family. If she wanted to kneel then do it. If standing was better go ahead. If she wanted to talk to him he could hear her and if she just wanted to go sit and watch from a distance that was alright too. She then started crying. I knew she was so upset. She told me they played t-ball together and became closer in high school(with her being so young, this was just about her entire life of knowing him). I told her that if she needed a hug, I would be there for her and I would even go up to the casket with her. I didn’t even know her name, but I could feel her pain as if it were my own daughter. I said, trying to get a smile, it’s not like they’re going to say you’re doing it the wrong way and tell you to do it over, lol. I then mentioned that every person has their own way of paying respects and you will find hers. She smiled and hugged me, thanking me.

When we finally reached the family, of course crying by this time. We all hugged and paid our respects all around. Katy, I asked her name at the doors when we left. Went first and turned to me, reached out her hand toward me as to hold hands. I knew instantly what she wanted. I walked over and put my arm around her and said would you like me to kneel with you. She’s crying and said yes. So we did. I then asked if she would like to tell him something she said yes again. She told him how much she loved him and will miss him. How much she will never forget him. He was her best friend and that she wished he was there. Ok, I’m am crying my eyes out all over again, crap! I asked if she was okay with that and she said yes. I rubbed her back, we stood up and we hugged the other three members of the family on the other side.

I turned to my friend who came with me and I walked over to her and we went up to the casket together. I again paid my respects. The three of us looked at all the great photos and such that were all over and we left. This was when Katy looked at me and tears running down her face just said thanks so much and I said what was your name. Katy she replied.

Katy, you are beautiful young woman and what you said warmed my heart. I hope the schools have something in place for students who suffer the loss of another student, for exactly the reason I saw last night. I also hope that parents bring their children to a funeral and teach them how to cope. At least 2000 showed at this people at a funeral, for the death of a child that was unexpected and was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. He touched the hearts of so many people in such a short lifetime, I will never forget that. Live, laugh and love.

Homesick

Have you ever been homesick?  Just sitting here writing this with the thought of being homesick knowing I am in my new home, well apartment.  I had a house, quite large, 3400 sq.ft. with a great yard, close to 4 acres.  My dogs could run whenever they wanted to and I didn’t have to watch them pee or poop while holding onto a leash, good ol’ fashioned country living.  Now I am living in an apartment with my bf, 2 kids and 3 dogs barely hitting 1300 sq ft.  One of us has to walk the dogs a hundred times a day because they were so used to going out all the time, at their every whim, okay maybe 3-4 times a day, but still on a leash and poor things can’t run.  There are dog parks we’ve yet to go see and they can run there, but in the car, then back out and it’s going to be a cost, ugh!  Gosh I miss my old house.  The beach is close, oh so close, no snow, well maybe, who knows it hasn’t gotten to winter yet, and more than likely it won’t snow, oh it better not, I left my snow blower behind, lol.

Snow and I are long time friends, but no more, I can’t deal with the aches and pains anymore, my body just says no to snow.  Beach time is so much better, I can do that, oh yeah I can.  It would take me hours to go before, now 20 minutes, maybe 30.  I feel as if some of my trade offs weren’t as worth it at times, maybe because I feel stuffed into a smaller space, no yard, and the dogs can’t run.  I have a storage unit and noting is at my disposal in my own home as before, yes it takes me 5 minutes to get to anything and I mean anything, well besides the beach.

The shopping mall, grocery store, post office, anything food wise; it’s wonderful.  Living in a perfect area is fantastic.  I love it here; I love my boyfriend; I love my kids and my dogs.  Some days I feel like I want to go home, like I’m missing something.  I cry, over what, spilled milk, pull up my big-girl panties and get my crap together, I know.  What the heck is my issue?  Is this being homesick or is this just the fact that I am so accustomed to having lived in a larger house and don’t know how to downsize; my girls are both in college (still living home, phew!), my birthday is in a few days and I am getting older (40’s) or maybe its menopause…no freaking way, I will have to do something about that shit now, by the way…or what?

My ex doesn’t leave me be, he has gotten better since we moved, thank goodness.  Now he only calls every few days (I am seriously jumping up and down, bring out the band)  It only took him 4 1/2 years.  I swear he forgets we are divorced.  As for my boyfriend, I know you read this, I love you very much and thank you for putting up with all of his crap as well as me being so sad lately. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than where I am right now. Being homesick isn’t easy, I lived in the same place for 18 years and before that I still lived in the same area of well almost my entire life, so it has been very hard for me to move.  It wasn’t just a home, it was a life, a lifestyle and a home.

I need something, who knows what it is but I need something.  Time will make it better and downsizing will help.  It’s nearly 1/3 of the space…phew!  This is it, wow, thanks for listening and letting me figure it out.  Now that math help figure it out for me, crap, one-third, that’s not a whole lot.  How do you determine which third you want to keep?  Now that I know what to do next I don’t feel so homesick anymore, oh and now that I am thinking about it, guess what?  All my friends back north, well they will have to start thinking about shoveling snow soon 🙂 beach time for me!

 

Family, what do you say?

family

 

Family, what do you say, well how do you them?  No really, how do you really explain it, actually explain it to someone, especially since we’re online.  People see things online, like this and instantly judge.  Yes, yes you do.  You know you do, instantly.  Yes, you too!  Especially you and you and you!  Don’t give me you’re bullshit line of I’ve been judged my whole life because I’m fat or short or my mom cut my hair to short my dad hit me or I was abused verbally or some other line of shit that a counselor told you in camp or during a 20 minute recess.  We were all treated like crap in one way or another and we all judge, we do no matter what we say, even if it’s in our own heads and we don’t verbally say it.  The difference is, we judge and we do it in different ways.  Take for instance what I like to call Facebook parents.  The parents that take the cute little pictures of their kids at parties and the park, all neat and clean, hugs and kisses or sleeping like angels, when in real life, they have no or little food on the table because those parents spend it on cigarettes and booze or worse.  All the other people in Facebook/Instagram land are like, awe, did you see your niece or grandkids, they look so happy.  In that instant, all I want to do is either cry or go slap the shit out of them, I still haven’t figured out which.  Not that I have grandkids, this is hypothetical on my part (I’m just trying to make a point).  I instantly judge, I know I do, because I know those people; I know what they have and don’t have.  I know they are just making it look good for others to see, “Keeping up with the Joneses” so to speak or Kardashians, whichever in this day and age.  In either scenario, I judge, good, bad or otherwise.

We judge to compensate for the differences, for the loss that we may feel, or that possibly that is over-compensating for what we need.  In any case, we judge.

Why is a judge a judge?  Why are people allowed to judge?  Why is one judge allowed to judge for one persons crime?  I understand they’re voted in, yes, but does that make them a better judge of character or a better person?  Are they so different?  Are they so perfect or the closest to perfect that they are never and I mean never going to commit a crime in their lives to be able to say that another person should be held accountable for a heinous crime?  In the eyes of justice is this what the people say…hmm…or is it?

As for family, if this was your family would you be okay with this decision?  If there is one criminal and one judge and months and months worth of testimony… like a case of he said she said in a break-up.  I call BS.  I think there should be more than one judge on any case.  The reason being;  you, me, family, friends, people, fairness.

How beyond a reason of doubt of course, absolute and no other way, can one person judge anyone?  To me that just seems as if one judge’s opinion is worth more than anybody else’s opinion in some cases, many cases even.   Yes, looking at all the facts and making a decision is what a judge is supposed to do, understandably so, but, one person, one.  To be honest, a feel bad for the judges, having to make such judgements on people and cases on a daily basis.  And all for what?  The power to form an opinion legally.

Day Care operator gets 21 years

The operator of the Little Giggles day care center in Bend, Ore., had a rule: Parents couldn’t drop off or collect their children between 11am and 2pm. That was the period January Neatherlin referred to as “nap time”—and when she headed out to go tanning and to CrossFit. The 32-year-old was on Friday sentenced to…

via Day care worker gets 21 years for drugging kids to go to tanning salon, CrossFit — WGNO

Rules for sons

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RULES FOR SONS:

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. Don’t enter a pool by the stairs.
3. The man at the BBQ Grill is the closest thing to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Request the late check-out.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
9. Play with passion or not at all…
10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.
11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
14. You marry the girl, you marry her family.
15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
16. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
17. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
18. Never turn down a breath mint.
19. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
21. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him.
22. Eat lunch with the new kid.
23. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
24. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
25. Manners maketh the man.
26. Give credit. Take the blame.
27. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those bullied.
28. Write down your dreams.
29. Always protect your siblings (and teammates).
30. Be confident and humble at the same time.
31. Call and visit your parents often. They miss you.

reposted from 99.7FM WIMI The Storm

Pieces of me

Repost of my own blog:
Have you ever lost yourself?  Let me put it this way, have you ever found yourself?  Recently I have found out many new, quite possibly old and very lost or just deeply sunken qualities about myself. Kindness, which I have always have known to have been has never been lost, nor has, my overwhelming personality (they’re aren’t too many people that don’t like it, yes a few, never said directly to me, but a few nonetheless).  I call it overwhelming because I am always happy, smiling, vibrant and just fun to be around.  I like to enjoy my time, no matter what.  Patience, which I have learned to control, I think many of us have over time.  I am no angel, but I do have patience and quite a lot of it.  When I get right down to it, I am a really good hearted person with all the right stuff as I have been told, lately.  Now with that being said, I know I have always been that way, never changed and never will, no reasons to change who I am.  I was born and raised this way.  I love my mom for making me who I am and my family around me, my environment for conditioning me for who I have become. My environment, now this is where it becomes a little fuzzy at times.  For years in my marriage, yes halfway decent, I can complain, but for the most part, why?  Most people end up bitter and stay that way, I feel bad for them, me, nah, move on, forgive and move on.  Just don’t forget, learn from it!  Don’t allow it to rule you or run you into the ground, make it a training lesson to prepare you for whats next in life.  I lost who I was and became who I thought I was supposed to be.  I was unhappy, of course I never showed it.  I just went along like nothing was ever wrong in my life, took care of my home, my children and myself, oh my (ex)husband of course.  It wasn’t until I had my brain surgery and recovered from it was when I realized what was missing; me.  We who knew. Have you ever lost yourself?  Let me put it this way, have you ever found yourself?  Recently I have found out many new, quite possibly old and very lost or just deeply sunken qualities about myself. Kindness, which I have always have known to have been has never been lost, nor has, my overwhelming personality (they’re aren’t too many people that don’t like it, yes a few, never said directly to me, but a few nonetheless).  I call it overwhelming because I am always happy, smiling, vibrant and just fun to be around.  I like to enjoy my time, no matter what.  Patience, which I have learned to control, I think many of us have over time.  I am no angel, but I do have patience and quite a lot of it.  When I get right down to it, I am a really good hearted person with all the right stuff as I have been told, lately.  Now with that being said, I know I have always been that way, never changed and never will, no reasons to change who I am.  I was born and raised this way.  I love my mom for making me who I am and my family around me, my environment for conditioning me for who I have become. My environment, now this is where it becomes a little fuzzy at times.  For years in my marriage, yes halfway decent, I can complain, but for the most part, why?  Most people end up bitter and stay that way, I feel bad for them, me, nah, move on, forgive and move on.  Just don’t forget, learn from it!  Don’t allow it to rule you or run you into the ground, make it a training lesson to prepare you for whats next in life.  I lost who I was and became who I thought I was supposed to be.  I was unhappy, of course I never showed it.  I just went along like nothing was ever wrong in my life, took care of my home, my children and myself, oh my (ex)husband of course.  It wasn’t until I had my brain surgery and recovered from it was when I realized what was missing; me.  Who knew. I only had wished that I knew sooner, but so be it. Now I only have to figure out who I was again.  Little pieces are starting to shine through little by little, day by day, week by week.  Wondering how long this was going to take, I decided to just be me and research everything about everything.  My illnesses, along with  anything else that may have popped into my head at that given moment, hence a blog had been started.  I have arrived with a new me, well old me, new thoughts and clear vision.
There is a song by Ashlee Simpson, “Pieces of Me”, (link above) amazing how it seems to be just about spot on.  As young as she is, it makes me wonder who helped her write the song, did they know what I went through.  OH, maybe a mid-life crisis?  One never knows, but it’s pretty close for me.  Truth be told, I was feeling a whole new feeling it seemed.  I don’t know if I can describe it, but it seemed just happy and free, like the days of Woodstock, sort of.  Not so much sharing love, love the one you’re with type feeling, just like a load was released or dropped off of my shoulders and I felt a sense of calm.  I liked this very much.  Although it was a few years before I was actually divorced, I had a grip on who I was again and it was going to take a long time, which I knew.I wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, so time is all I had.  Recovery for me was going to be long a tough, not easy by any means.  I like myself so much better and just some tweaking is all I needed, well for me anyway.  No one else really knew what was going on, because on the outside, like I mentioned before, I was cool as a cucumber and just made it like everything was normal.  Why leave pieces of me around to have to pick up to try and put back together if I don’t need to?  This would make my life that much more complicated and I sure do not want that. Simple, and leave your drama at the movies.

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